Friday, February 15, 2013

Daft Headlines

 Journalists try to keep headlines short and to the point to catch a reader's eye.  Sometimes they can catch your attention in a completely unintended way, or at least I hope it's unintended.  Here are some headlines that have been found in newspapers around the world. 

Autos killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better.
Because we are not achieving high score in the auto kamikaze tournament

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood.
Uh, is this Zombie Salespeople or is someone trying to sell corpses?

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board.
The Parent Advisory Board I am on frequently does this at our local fast food restaurant just to see how much chaos we can stir up because we have nothing better to do... .oh wait they probably mean a piece of wood???

Blind woman gets new kidney from daughter she hasn't seen in years.
I guess that means she didn't just lose her sight yesterday.

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply.
That's so wrong on so many levels. 

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.
Ok, Gross!

Childs stool great for use in garden.
Gross, again!

Cold wave linked to temperatures.
That dang cold wave just can't seem to leave the temperatures alone!

Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation.
It's that whole being stuffed into a coffin by yourself thing.  
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors.
Is sex with newspaper editors different than it is with other people?
Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
Wow, that's a pretty stiff sentence... or at least the drunk will feel very stiff after being cooped up in that small of a space for nine months, talk about reliving your time in the womb.

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Obvious much?

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax.
Talk about Mad Cow Desease!

Eye drops off shelf.
Maybe you should find a safer place for your eyeball.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.

Tall doctors or septiped freaks of nature?

Iraqi head seeks arms.
Dr. Frankenstein may be able to help with that.

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
If there is maybe you should change your brand of toilet paper.

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
Thinking this may fall under the category of cruel and unusual, or illegal sentences.

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees.
Is this a special kind of talent?

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests.
I'd hate to see what they do to criminals.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
Ok, so you decide not to become a viable member of society so we cut you in two.  Yeah, that sounds fair.

Lung cancer in women mushrooms.

When did mushrooms grow lungs let alone grow gender identifying appendages?

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge.
Or does he actually charge the battery?

Man is fatally slain.
Is there another kind of slaying?

Milk drinkers are turning to powder.
This confuses me... add liquid and turn to dust.... yeah, that makes sense.

Miners refuse to work after death.
Sounds like an issue the union needs to address.
NJ judge to rule on nude beach.
I guess the courtroom is too stuffy for him/her.

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one.
Because nothing says "I love you" like VD.

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.
What the hell is it vaccinating against that rabies is preferable?

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy.
It's such a nuisence when the public can read.

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni.
Interesting architechtual choice.

Organ festival ends in smashing climax.
There just aren't words for this one.

Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over.

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
We'll let the speeders run you over if you don't cross at the crosswalk.

Queen Mary having bottom scraped.
Wow, talk about TMI!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.
And, this is why I am afraid of bridges.

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.
Just who would do this training?  I can think of several good candidates for that job!

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency.
Yeah, that dying thing really slows a worker down.

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction.
Ewe, ewe, ewe!  Now I need a shower!

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
Does that mean the jet is still in the air?
Well that was fun.  We might have to do this again sometime. 
I'd like to thank the source for this post:

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  1. ...and we wonder why our students can't write? It looks like adults can't write either.

    1. At the very least they don't really look at what they have written before publishing it.


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